I spent years angry at my dad. He didn't even know.

6 days ago

23 min read

"People can only meet you at the level they’ve learned to meet themselves."

🖤 From Jen: Stop Drinking the Poison.

Hi BEAUTISTA Fam,

I was at the salon this weekend and got talking with my service provider about parents and family. She told me she hadn’t spoken to her mom in a while. They never had the best relationship and she really had no interest in rekindling it.

As we were talking, I started sharing a little bit about my own childhood and something I learned years ago that completely changed the way I look at people and how they show up. My parents had me when they were 17 years old. My immigrant grandmother really raised me until I was about eight, and my relationship with my parents growing up was complicated. My dad was in and out of my life, and as a teenager I was pretty bitter about it. For a long time, I looked at our relationship through the lens of what I didn’t get, what I needed from him and how I thought a dad should show up.

As I got older and studied human behavior, I started looking at his story instead. My dad grew up with very little. His dad left when he was a young kid. His mom struggled to survive and pay the bills. At 18, his girlfriend, my mom, got pregnant with me. Then when he was only 20 years old, his mom died suddenly of a heart attack. He was 20 years old with no mom, no dad, a baby, very little money and no real support system. He had spent most of his life figuring out how to survive. When I really put myself in his shoes, I started to understand why he showed up the way he did. It didn’t erase anything I experienced, and it didn’t suddenly make everything okay. But I had perspective, and with perspective came compassion. For years I had focused on what he hadn’t given me. I had never really stopped to ask what he had been given himself.

This is where I learned the power of perspective. When someone hurts you, the natural thing is to focus on what they did to you. But what happens when you widen the lens? What were they dealing with? What had happened to them? What beliefs were they carrying? What had life taught them about love, trust, conflict or survival? When I looked at my dad that way, I could see more than what he had failed to give me. I could see the 20-year-old who had already lost both of his parents, had a baby, had very little money, no real support system and was trying to survive with the tools he had. The facts didn’t change. What happened to me didn’t change. My perspective changed. And that gave compassion somewhere to enter.

Once I learned to do that with my dad, I started doing it with everyone. My grandmother was probably the most nurturing person I have ever known, but she was also tough. If somebody picked on me and I didn’t stand up for myself, I was the one getting in trouble when I got home. She loved me fiercely, but in her mind, part of loving me was making sure I knew how to fight for myself. Then you look at her story and it makes so much sense. She grew up poor in Portugal as one of nine kids and was the oldest girl. In third grade, her mother pulled her out of school so she could cook, clean and take care of her younger siblings while her mother worked. Eventually she became a seamstress, found a company willing to sponsor her to come to America and worked in a factory. Her entire life had taught her to work, survive, take care of her family and figure it out. Of course that toughness showed up in the way she raised me.

The more I started looking at people this way, the more I realized how much all of us are shaped by our experiences, our wounds, our beliefs and what we have learned to expect from the world. We all have limiting beliefs. We all have things we have not healed yet. We all have blind spots. And I believe people can only meet you at the level of self-awareness and healing they have reached themselves. If someone has never learned how to communicate, never experienced healthy love, never dealt with their own pain or never had anyone model emotional support for them, there may be a very real limit to what they know how to give somebody else. That does not excuse bad behavior. It helps you understand where it may be coming from. And once you understand that, you have more choice in how YOU respond. You also stop taking everything so personally. Their reaction, their inability to show up, their anger, their defensiveness, their distance may have far more to do with what is happening inside of THEM than anything about you.

That does not mean I deserved less from my dad. Someone else’s inability to love you, support you or show up for you in the way you needed does not mean you were unworthy of those things. Sometimes it simply means they were showing up from their own wounds, their own experiences and the tools they had at the time. Their limitations do not have to become the way you see yourself. That realization is the beginning of emotional freedom.

This is actually something we talk about in our BEAUTISTA curriculum. As part of purpose discovery, one of the exercises is to think about three life-defining moments. I love that exercise because when you really look at your own life, you start to see how much your experiences shaped you. They shape your beliefs, your fears, your strengths, your reactions, what makes you feel safe, what triggers you, how you deal with conflict, how you love and probably a hundred other things you don’t even realize. Your experiences shaped you, and everybody else is walking around shaped by theirs too. The person who has a hard time trusting probably has a story. The person who needs to control everything probably has a story. The person who shuts down during conflict probably has a story. The person who seems unbelievably tough probably has a story.

We are all wounded humans walking around with experiences, beliefs and limiting stories influencing the way we show up, many of which we don’t even realize are driving us. Once you start understanding that, human behavior starts making a lot more sense. You stop seeing only the reaction or the behavior in front of you and start wondering what might be underneath it.

And this is where forgiveness started to mean something very different to me. Forgiveness is not reconciliation, and it is not saying what somebody did was okay. You can forgive someone and still decide they do not belong in your life. You can understand somebody’s story and still know you need a boundary. But sometimes people do get another chance, and my dad did. Once I was able to see him differently, I was able to let go of a lot of the anger I had carried toward him. Over time, we rebuilt our relationship, and today my dad and my son are best friends. If I had stayed stuck only in what my dad didn’t give me as a child, my son may never have had the relationship he has with his grandfather today. Finding compassion for my dad’s story didn’t just change something between the two of us. It gave my son a relationship he might never have had.

That does not mean every story ends that way. Sometimes forgiveness means, “I understand you, but I still need distance.” Other times it means, “I understand you, I forgive you, and I’m willing to try again.” You get to decide what forgiveness looks like in your life.

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. Think about it. You can be angry with somebody for 10 years while they are somewhere else living their life. They may not even know you are still carrying it. Meanwhile, you replay what happened, have the conversation again in your head, feel the anger all over again and allow something they did years ago to keep affecting you today. The anger you felt when it happened may have been completely valid. The poison is continuing to drink it long after the moment has passed.

For me, forgiveness became less about whether somebody else deserved it and more about whether I wanted to keep giving what happened that much control over my life. That, to me, is emotional freedom. You are not rewriting the past or pretending it didn’t hurt. You are taking back control of what happens next. Sometimes you never even tell the person you forgive them. You just decide that something they did in your past does not get unlimited access to your future.

And I think this matters so much in our industry because you are interacting with people all day long, and you rarely know the whole story they walked in carrying. Maybe it is a guest who is always cranky. Maybe it is an employee who gets defensive every time you give feedback. Maybe it is a coworker who seems impossible to connect with. Maybe it is the client sitting in your chair telling you about her mom, her husband or her friend. You may have absolutely no idea what happened to that person before they walked into your life.

What if, instead of immediately meeting difficult behavior with more frustration, you met it with curiosity and compassion? What is going on underneath this? What might this person be carrying? What experiences or beliefs could be driving the way they are showing up? That does not mean you tolerate disrespect or remove boundaries. It means you stop assuming the behavior in front of you is the entire person. And you may get a completely different experience.

That is exactly why we are so passionate about teaching human behavior and EQ at BEAUTISTA. Yes, this industry is about technical skill, but you are working with human beings all day long. The more you understand why people think, react, communicate and behave the way they do, the better you understand your guests, your coworkers, your employees, your family and yourself.

And beauty professionals are in such a unique position because people TALK to you. They tell you about their marriage, their kids, their parents, their friendships, the person who hurt them and the fight they had five minutes before they walked in. Sometimes you know more about what is happening in somebody’s life than half of their family does.

You are not their therapist, and you do not have to become one. But you have an incredible opportunity to give people perspective. A guest can sit down angry at her mom, her husband, her friend or her boss, and maybe instead of just agreeing that the other person is awful, you help her see another possibility. What happened to that person? What did they grow up with? What wounds are they carrying? What did life teach them?

And sometimes the best way to help someone open up is to go first. When you share a little of your own story or explain what shaped YOU, it can create enough safety for them to tell you what they are really carrying.

Maybe for the first time she realizes, “This wasn’t about me.” Maybe she keeps the boundary. Maybe she forgives. Maybe she stops taking somebody else’s behavior as proof that something is wrong with her. Maybe she simply leaves your chair seeing the situation differently than she did when she walked in. You have the ability to help someone leave stronger than they came in.

I really believe understanding what sits underneath human behavior can unlock so much freedom. You can choose compassion without becoming a doormat. You can create a boundary without carrying hatred. You can forgive without reconnecting. You can reconnect if that feels right. Most importantly, YOU get to decide what happens next instead of allowing somebody else’s wounds to keep controlling your life.

I have no idea what will happen with the relationship that started this whole conversation at the salon. Maybe she never reconnects with her mom. Maybe someday she does. That wasn’t really the point. The point was that understanding someone’s story and forgiving them are not the same thing as giving them access to your life again. Sometimes the only relationship that changes is the one you have with what happened to you.

So this week, pay attention to the people who get a reaction out of you. Maybe it is someone who hurt you years ago. Maybe it is a difficult guest. Maybe it is an employee, a coworker or somebody in your family. You may not know their story yet. So instead of immediately judging the behavior in front of you, get curious. Seek to understand. Ask questions. What is going on? What are they dealing with? What might you not know?

When you meet someone with compassion instead of defensiveness, something can shift. They may soften. They may open up. They may tell you what they are carrying that you never would have known from the behavior alone. Suddenly the cranky guest isn’t just cranky. The defensive employee isn’t just difficult. The person who hurt you becomes a human being with a story too. And that does not mean you excuse the behavior. It means you understand it well enough that you do not have to absorb it, personalize it or automatically react to it. You get to decide how you want to respond.

Sometimes understanding changes the relationship. Sometimes it only changes YOU. Either way, perspective gives you back your power.

Forgive them for YOU and stop drinking the poison.

xoxo,

Jen Martinelli

🚀 The Shift: Weekly Mindset + Strategy Upgrade.

Where Are You Drinking the Poison?

This week, I want you to get really honest with yourself. Where are you still drinking the poison?

Think about the person, relationship or experience that still gets a reaction out of you. Maybe you replay the conversation. Maybe you still get angry every time their name comes up. Maybe you imagine what you should have said. Maybe you are waiting for an apology that may never come. Maybe they are not even in your life anymore, but somehow what happened still is.

Write down the first thing that comes to mind.

Then ask yourself:

What am I still carrying? Is it anger? Resentment? Rejection? Betrayal? The need for them to admit they were wrong?
What is carrying it costing me? Your peace? Your confidence? A relationship? The way you trust people? The way you see yourself?
What would putting it down actually look like? Maybe it is forgiveness. Maybe it is accepting that you will never get the apology. Maybe it is understanding their story. Maybe it is keeping the boundary but releasing the anger attached to it.

And maybe the person drinking the poison isn’t you. Maybe it is an employee, a coworker or someone you lead who is carrying anger, resentment or hurt into work every day. You can use this same perspective with them. Instead of reacting to the behavior, get curious. Ask questions. What is going on? What are they dealing with? What might you not know about what they are carrying?

Sometimes it helps to go first. Share something about yourself. Maybe you explain that you can be a perfectionist because of the way you grew up, or that sometimes you come across more direct than you mean to because of experiences that shaped you. Not as an excuse, but as context. When you are willing to show someone where YOU come from, it can make them feel safe enough to tell you what is really going on with them.

Suddenly you are not just dealing with “the angry employee” or “the difficult coworker.” You are trying to understand the human being underneath the reaction. They may open up and tell you something you never would have known otherwise. And once people feel understood, the whole conversation can change.

This is NOT about pretending something didn’t happen. And it is definitely not about giving somebody access to you because you forgave them. It is about noticing where something that happened five, ten or twenty years ago is still getting energy from you TODAY. Because that is the poison. You cannot change what happened. You cannot force somebody else to heal, apologize or become the person you needed them to be. But you can decide how much longer you are willing to carry it.

Your shift this week: Identify the poison. Decide what you’re ready to put down. Then think about what it would actually feel like to not carry it anymore.

What gets lighter? What gets quieter? How much energy have you been giving to replaying it, being angry about it, wishing it had happened differently or waiting for an apology that may never come?

Now imagine getting that energy back. You don’t have to forget what happened. You don’t have to change the boundary. You don’t even have to tell the other person you forgave them.

You just don’t have to carry it anymore. That lightness you feel when you finally put it down? THAT is the freedom.

🎙️ In Case You Missed It (ICYMI)

If you missed the live classes, here are a few I would put on your on-demand list:

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👉 Catch replays + explore hundreds of free classes anytime at beautista.com/classes

(And if you're a salon owner, school leader, or educator—share these with your team. One class can change a service. A habit of learning can change a career.)

💻 Tech-Forward:

Where tech meets beauty (and your next big move begins).

Beauty Is Getting Bigger Than Beauty.

If you want to know where the beauty consumer is going, look at what the biggest beauty retailers are making room for.

Ulta says the traditional definition of beauty is expanding as beauty + wellness converge, and “accelerating its focus on wellness” is now part of its growth strategy. Wellness by Ulta Beauty includes everything from supplements and intimate care to sleep support, aromatherapy, wearables + devices. Sephora has built out wellness categories too, including holistic wellness, beauty supplements, oral care and an entire Wellness Edit featuring things like red-light devices, sauna blankets, filtered showerheads + hair supplements.

And the consumer data explains WHY. McKinsey found that 84% of U.S. consumers now consider wellness a top or important priority. Gen Z + Millennials make up about 36% of the U.S. adult population but account for more than 41% of wellness spending. And for Gen Z, “better appearance” - including skin, hair + nail health - has moved all the way up to their #3 wellness priority.

So if you’re marketing a salon, spa or yourself as a beauty professional, I think there is a REALLY interesting lesson here.

The service is still the service. But the reason someone wants it may be bigger than the service.

A facial can be about skin AND having an hour where someone takes care of you. A scalp treatment can be about hair AND building a better care routine. A haircut can be about shape AND feeling like yourself again. A manicure can be about nails AND the ritual of slowing down for an hour. That does NOT mean every salon suddenly needs to start calling itself a wellness destination. It means we should pay attention to the language consumers are already using around taking care of themselves and think about whether our marketing is showing enough of that experience.

Are you only posting the finished blonde? Or are you showing the consultation, the customized treatment, the scalp massage, the products you chose and WHY?

Are you only saying “Book a facial”? Or are you explaining what the experience is designed to help the client accomplish?

Are you showing the parts of the appointment that make someone feel cared for?

Because another thing happening with this consumer is that they want more than pretty marketing. NIQ says today’s wellness consumer is becoming more self-directed and results-driven, looking for functional benefits, transparency + a personalized fit rather than simply relying on a familiar brand name. THAT is an opportunity for beauty professionals. You have expertise. Use it in your marketing.

Explain why you chose something. Teach people what you’re looking at during a consultation. Talk about maintenance. Show personalization. Show the experience. Show the little things you do that a client might never know happened unless you tell them.

Don’t just market WHAT you do. Start getting better at marketing WHY somebody wants it.

And this is where AI can actually help you become a better marketer instead of just writing another caption for you.

🤖 TRY THIS WITH AI

Copy + paste this into ChatGPT:

I am a [hairstylist / barber / esthetician / nail artist / salon owner / spa owner] and these are the services I offer: [PASTE SERVICES].

My ideal customer is [DESCRIBE THEM].

Beauty and wellness are becoming more connected in consumer behavior. I want you to help me identify where that trend NATURALLY fits my business without forcing wellness language onto services where it doesn’t belong or making medical claims.

First, identify the 3 strongest wellness-related consumer needs my existing services already connect to. Think about things like self-care, confidence, personalization, relaxation, healthy-looking hair/skin/nails, scalp care, maintenance, convenience and feeling taken care of.

Then give me 10 marketing ideas based on those needs. For each idea, give me the hook, what I should show or film, on-screen text, caption, CTA and whether it would work best as a Reel, carousel, Story, email or in-salon activation.

Make the ideas specific to MY business. Do not give me generic salon marketing or cheesy “self-care Sunday” content.

Finally, choose the 3 ideas you think would resonate most with Gen Z + Millennial consumers and tell me WHY.

That is how I would use AI here: not “write me a post,” but “help me translate a major consumer trend into something that actually makes sense for MY business.”

Because Ulta and Sephora are not expanding into wellness by accident. The beauty consumer is changing. Pay attention to what she is telling us.

What we're learning from Hiring Funnels:

They Remembered You Before They Were Ready

April shared a story with me from one of our salon kickoff calls this week that was such a perfect example of something we talk about ALL THE TIME at BEAUTISTA.

One of the salon’s longtime stylists first found the owner while she was still in beauty school. She wasn’t responding to a job post. She wasn’t even ready to make a career move yet. She simply got to know the salon, liked what she saw and remembered it. When she WAS ready, that was the salon she chose. Eight years later, she’s still there.

THIS is why we preach “always be hiring.” Hiring does not start the day you have an empty chair. And recruiting is not just putting up a job post and hoping the perfect person happens to be looking at the exact same moment you need them. Think about how people choose a hairstylist, salon, spa, brand... really anything. They watch for a while. They follow. They pay attention. They get a feel for who you are. And eventually, when the timing is right, they make a move.

Candidates do the same thing. One of the things we are seeing as we build these hiring funnels is that not everyone who sees your business today is ready to apply TODAY. Some are still in school. Some are happily employed but paying attention. Some are starting to wonder what else is out there. Some might be six months away from making a change. That does NOT make reaching them now a waste. It is actually the point.

Your recruiting content is introducing people to your business before you desperately need them. Your career page is showing them what it feels like to work there. Your social is showing your culture, your team, your education and the kind of work you do. Your ads are putting your name in front of people who might never have known you existed otherwise.

Then, when their timing changes, you are not a random salon they discovered five minutes ago.

They already know you. It is the same reason we tell businesses to show the education day, the team lunch, the class you took together, the stylist who just got promoted, the new technique everybody is practicing. Yes, that content is great for clients. But future employees are watching too.

So if you only start talking about working at your business when someone leaves, you are starting way too late.

Always be hiring means the recruiting doesn’t start when the chair is empty. The funnel should already be running.

👉 Book a call with Gavin.

👉 Calculate what your empty chair is actually costing you →

🔥 What’s Happening:

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Next week is PACKED. We’ve got barbering, cutting, color, texture, scalp, styling, smoothing, product knowledge + bridal.

Wahl — Modern Mullet with Wahl Clipper Vol III

September 28 · 10:00 AM ET

A bilingual barbering class covering clipper, trimmer + shaver techniques for cleaner, more precise modern mullets.

Andis — Lived-In Layers with Clippers